Tag Archives: suicide bereavement

Memory crafts needed in a hurry plus mourning in a social media age

Trigger warning: this blog post deals with the topic of suicide.  Please get professional help if you are suffering from mental health issues. If you are afraid that you might harm yourself, please call 911 or a suicide hotline immediately. Here is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline phone number – 1-800-273-8255.

Knowing how to make memory craft projects and having memory craft materials around is most helpful when going through something like my remaining family and I just went through. My uncle Dave was discovered deceased on August 27, 2021 and my brother Larry died from suicide on September 4, 2021.

I think some people were taken aback that I was open about my brother dying from suicide almost immediately after hearing the news. No one gave me flak over it, but I do think a few people were surprised. I did ask my Dad for permission before I posted the cause of death. My Dad and I are the two remaining from our original nuclear family of four.

There are reasons why I wanted people to know the truth right away. For one thing I wanted people to know exactly what horror we were dealing with because it’s not likely that our lives will be “back to normal” any time soon, if ever. We will be needing and asking for some leeway in meeting some of our obligations as we try to figure out what our lives are going to look like now and decide how to prioritize tasks.

Another reason is that my brother fought to overcome bipolar disorder for over 20 years, and my late uncle did as well. My brother’s illness affected our family greatly even well before it was diagnosed because there were serious symptoms that made all of our lives challenging at times, even if we didn’t yet understand what they meant. I have done volunteer work from time to time over the years to help people with mental illness, mental disabilities, or are just going through a tough time as the result of a normal grieving process. In the past I taught workshops at the former Open Door Art Studio and a few years back I donated a few days work and a lot of supplies to Artists First studio with the hope of someday doing more work there. When the COVID-19 pandemic started, my husband Tom and I did a series of eight webcasts we called #virtualartparty to help people enjoy art and craft activities to help avoid mental health problems that could result from anxiety and isolation.

I knew my brother’s suffering had increased quite a bit over the last few months. I tried to show I cared and encourage him a little by doing a couple of “art therapy” projects with him and my Dad, and with a few other people who were also going through a hard time. I was planning to do more whenever I was able. I put “art therapy” in quotes here because while I’m a trained artist I’m not a formally trained art therapist – but since all art is therapeutic, my philosophy is it’s better to do something than nothing. Even if it doesn’t work, at least you have tried. And a few minutes of distraction from misery is better than nothing as well. I have to look for something good where I can in order to go on.

Making self-care cards out of Project Life cards

Art Journaling By Selectively Covering Text

I have been through a course of therapy myself to recover from an abusive relationship and the resulting serious trauma. Even though I have great empathy for sufferers I know there is a limited amount I can do to help someone else recover from severe mental illness. My Dad and I know we tried everything that we could think of to save our loved ones but we could not do it. Dave and Larry were both under medical care and as far as we know fighting hard for many years. Our help and the work of many doctors and therapists was not enough to save them. I’m grateful for the people who can be saved and sad about the ones that can’t. There is a need out there for compassion and understanding to aid others in helping their loved ones with mental illness or consoling them if the outcome turns out tragic. That’s something I can help with in a little way perhaps by writing about it and continuing to make small contributions to the general cause of mental health whenever I can. I think dealing with reality head-on is more useful for this goal than trying to cover it up. I feel devastated over what happened but it’s based on sadness, not shame. I don’t want other mourners affected by mental illness or suicide to feel shame either. So I’m trying to contribute by setting an example of frankness and truth. I am not judging others who choose a different way – we all have our reasons for how we grieve and how we process our situations.

It comforts me to try to find answers and explanations to find meaning in overwhelming situations. Right now I’m more consumed with questions than in a state of readiness for trying to find answers. That’s where the memory crafts come in. I made a few things for the funerals in a hurry, which served the purposes of mourning the dead, comforting others, and providing a needed distraction and creative outlet for myself to help me cope. Following are some pictures. It’s my way to mark just about any important occasion with art and crafts – both celebratory and mournful.

fishing related craft items plus lures
Fishing related craft items plus lures. Uncle Dave was cremated so I was asked to make a box to temporarily cover the plastic box of ashes during the mass. I was inspired to make a fishing themed box for several reasons. One, as Christians, I liked the allusion to Jesus asking the apostles to be join him and be “fishers of men”. Is there a way to use this tragedy as a way to bring God’s love to people? Another reason is that fishing was one of his main activities if not THE main activity he loved, and it broke my heart that when we went in his house all the items for a future fishing trip were ready by the door – poles, cooler, pliers, tackle, etc. I wish he had been able to go on his planned trip and many many more after that. Another is that although I don’t fish I love to be on water and one reason I do Operation Clean Stream is so that people like me and Uncle Dave and everyone who enjoys the outdoors can have clean, healthy streams. So that is something I felt a connection with him through – nature and water. Two of the lures I used I found in the Meramec River while I was doing stream cleanup, and the other lures I used were Dave’s.
wood panels for box
Wood panels for box after being painted, sanded and assembled.
Finished box
Background for Dave's photo board.
Background for Dave’s photo board. When I started Dave’s memorial projects, I thought I was going to have a lot more time to work on them. Unfortunately my brother also died before we could have Dave’s funeral, so some of that time went for planning Larry’s funeral also. Dad and I glued on the papers for this background from a selection I had already picked out to harmonize with the box. We used medical tape that Tom had around on the edges because we didn’t have time to shop for anything else. Fortunately, it was the right weight and texture and looked good. Because of our grieving and hasty preparations, I actually wore a dress with no underwear because I forgot to bring extra and using one of my brother’s ties as a belt because I forgot one to the first funeral – but we got by. With all the shock I’m proud of us for just functioning. We had a lot of great help too – we are very grateful. We believe prayer works and we know lots of people were praying for us. We also know how much we were helped by people’s kind actions. For example my husband Tom took two weeks off from work to help us. We are most indebted to him and others for their kind deeds.
Larry's photo board #1
Larry’s photo board #1

We used the same tape on Larry’s boards but I painted it a black/bronze color before we started gluing down the torn paper. This is only a tiny percentage of all the photos we would have liked to show but Larry’s friend Tim and others helped put together a digital slide show as well that was greatly appreciated by all of us.

Larry's photo board #2
Larry’s photo board #2
Larry's photo board #3
Larry’s photo board #3

Links to more information:

Dave’s obituary

Video of Dave’s mass

Larry’s obituary

Video of Larry’s mass (partial, but they got the homily which was excellent and appropriate)

Larry’s memorial Facebook album (in progress)